The Burnout of Being Loved: How Masking Cost Me My Relationships (And Myself)
Nov 21, 2025
I am Jade, a Consultant Dietitian and Specialist Neurodivergence Coach.
If you are struggling within your neurodivergent relationship, check out our 'Neuro-Symmetry Workbook' on Etsy The Neuro-symmetry Workbook: Interdependence Guide for Neurodivergent Couples | Load Balancing & Co-regulation - Etsy UK
Welcome...this is my blog 'JLM Insights; Finding My Neurodivergent Voice'. I know how precious your time is, so thank you for sitting with me for a minute. Know that you can join me anytime in my cosy corner of the internet where you don’t need permission to show up as anything other than your beautiful, authentic self.
So lets get into it...
Welcome...this is my blog 'JLM Insights; Finding My Neurodivergent Voice'. I know how precious your time is, so thank you for sitting with me for a minute. Know that you can join me anytime in my cosy corner of the internet where you don’t need permission to show up as anything other than your beautiful, authentic self.
So lets get into it...
It’s a common paradox for those of us who are neurodivergent: we crave deep, authentic connection, yet the very act of seeking and maintaining a romantic relationship often becomes a slow motion process of self erasure.
For years, I believed love meant being a constant, easy presence, a partner without sharp edges, rigid needs, or inconvenient feelings.
The reality was that I wasn't just in a relationship; I was running a massive, highly detailed internal performance 24/7. This performance was called "The Mask", and it was killing me.
1. The Performance and the Labels
If you are neurodivergent and deeply connected to your partner, it is highly likely that your partner is also neurodivergent, whether diagnosed or not. This is because we naturally gravitate toward those who share our intensity and honesty, leading to two unique brains trying to manage a world built for one.
My experience in love was defined by a specific kind of functional co-dependence and self-assignment to the role of the giver/Primary Load Compensator. This consistent over-functioning; taking on more tasks, more emotional labour, and more social load than I could manage became a fixed and exhausting pattern.
This heavy, perpetual masking wasn't about deception; it was about survival. It was driven by the overwhelming, primal feeling of needing to be chosen by another person, a deep, often frantic need for acceptance that caused me to abandon my own needs entirely.
Crucially, in the early stages of the relationship, the mask was so effective that it concealed fundamental neurotype incompatibilities. For instance, if one partner is Autistic and thrives on routine, predictability, and structure, while the other is ADHD and needs spontaneity, novelty, and flexible schedules, the difference often feels exciting and complementary at first. However, as the relationship progressed and the masks began to slip, we realised we were fundamentally pulling in opposite directions.
This shift confronts a core neurodivergent cognitive style: black and white thinking and the need for consistency. When the dynamic changes, the neurodivergent brain defaults to perceiving this change as a fundamental breach of contract, leading to painful statements like, "You weren't like this when we first started dating." This isn't just about memory; it's about the difficulty in integrating the dynamic, evolving reality of the relationship with the fixed, perfect version established during the masking phase.
I feared that if I showed my authentic self; my true need for silence, my inability to interpret subtle social cues, my sensory distress in crowded places, or my discomfort with non-requested physical touch I would become disposable.
The cost was immense. I became hyper-vigilant about anticipating my partner's needs while abandoning my own needs entirely. Why? Because the moment I failed, the labels would arrive:
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"You’re so difficult when you won't come to dinner with my friends".
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"You’re cold because you don't spontaneously hug me when I walk in the door".
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"You're not romantic; you just want to talk about your special interests".
These labels weren't just criticisms; they were indictments of my fundamental neurotype. To avoid them, I dug deeper into the mask, making the inevitable crash even harder.
2. Ignoring the Internal Alarms
When you are focused solely on prioritising another person's needs, your own internal alarm system becomes dangerously muted. I learned to override my own intuition and silence my body's distress signals.
I developed a terrifying skill: ignoring red flags and warning signs.
If a partner's behavior was inconsistent, I dismissed it as their quirk. If they demanded more social energy than I possessed, I internalised it as my deficit. I mistook my own discomfort for a personal flaw that needed fixing, rather than a crucial signal that the relationship's design was fundamentally incompatible with my nervous system.
This chronic self-suppression often required chemical assistance. To force myself into the required social extroversion or to overcome the sensory barrier to intimacy and touch, I developed a strategy of using alcohol to socialise or enable intimacy. This wasn't about enjoyment; it was a tool to temporarily lower my hyper-vigilance, silence my sensory alarms, and perform the emotional openness I knew my partner expected. But this forced performance only added another layer of functional exhaustion and self-betrayal to the cycle.
The Double Empathy Problem: This struggle with reading and being read is often rooted in the concept known as the Double Empathy Problem. This theory suggests that communication breakdown doesn't happen because one person lacks empathy, but because different neurotypes process and express information in radically different ways. The signals I was sending were clear to my brain, but unintelligible (or misinterpreted) by my partner's, and vice versa. This mutual misunderstanding created a terrifying landscape where I felt perpetually unable to trust my own perception or my partner's intentions.
The Foundational Review: For many, the breakdown of the masked system is what triggers the life-changing realisation, often within the relationship, that they are, in fact, neurodivergent. This discovery is incredibly vulnerable and confronting, forcing one to review their entire life, previous relationship patterns, and upbringing through a new, neuro-affirming lens. This profound and necessary personal re-evaluation often causes immense confusion and instability in the relationship, just when stability is needed most.
The result of this sustained self-betrayal was a catastrophic, multi-faceted burnout:
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Triple Neurodivergent Load: The emotional and logistical load dramatically increases if two neurodivergent partners have a neurodivergent child. The challenges of regulating the child's sensory, emotional, and executive needs often directly conflict with the parents' own coping mechanisms, pushing the entire family system past its capacity.
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Social Burnout: Forcing myself into extroverted roles, scripting conversations, and maintaining eye contact led to days of absolute exhaustion and shutdown. This was compounded by commitments like regular family gatherings, where the overwhelming social and sensory complexity left me completely drained.
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Sensory Burnout: Consistently ignoring noise, lighting, and textural sensitivities (because my partner liked a vibrant home or loud restaurant), or accepting touch when my body was screaming for personal space, left my nervous system perpetually frayed, resulting in meltdowns that felt unsettling.
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Emotional Burnout: Being the functional partner who took on the emotional labour of anticipating conflict and validating every insecurity left me feeling hollowed out, with no emotional capacity left for myself. Crucially, this meant my partner would often not acknowledge or support my fundamental need for rest and restoration on the weekends, viewing my recovery time after a week of masking as laziness or avoidance.
This endless cycle of over functioning and masking inevitably led to deep exhaustion and chronic resentment, as I realised I was burning out to prevent the system from failing. The ultimate betrayal was the realisation that I was using every ounce of my energy budget to secure a relationship that was actively draining the life out of me.
3. Reclaiming the Narrative and Redesigning Love
The moment of shift came when I finally understood that these labels; difficult, cold, unloving were never about my worth. They were simply a reflection of an unmet neurotypical expectation.
True interdependence demands that we stop defining love as self-sacrifice and start defining it as system design.
The ultimate lesson was realising I needed to choose myself first.
Reclaiming my identity meant:
- Rejecting the Labels: My need for explicit communication is not being "difficult"; it is being clear. My struggle with small talk is not being "cold"; it is being authentic.
- Externalising the System: Recognising that the neurodivergent brain is optimised for deep focus and problem-solving, not for storing constant streams of domestic and social administration. All functional agreements, schedules, and emotional templates must be externalised to physical tools (like whiteboards, apps, and checklists) to free up mental energy.
- Honoring My Needs First: Creating non-negotiable boundaries around sensory input and alone time. My emotional availability to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of sensory recovery time I have had. This includes clearly communicating physical touch boundaries and honoring the need for personal space.
- Demanding Functional Symmetry: Recognising that love should not require the total erasure of one partner's functionality. A healthy partner doesn't require you to carry all the weight; they collaborate on a system that works for both brains.
The External Shame of the "Unconventional" Blueprint
While managing the internal load is the hardest part, many neurodivergent couples face crushing external shame and judgment when their relationship doesn't look traditionally "successful." Friends, family, or society may question your choices because they are comparing your partnership to a neurotypical standard it was never meant to meet.
While managing the internal load is the hardest part, many neurodivergent couples face crushing external shame and judgment when their relationship doesn't look traditionally "successful." Friends, family, or society may question your choices because they are comparing your partnership to a neurotypical standard it was never meant to meet.
Don't let external judgment dictate your internal peace. The fact that your relationship relies on customised rules like alone time, separate holidays or quiet weekends, is not a sign of failure; it is a sign of successful, intentional accommodation.
Designing Your Neuro-Affirming Blueprint
Ultimately, every neurodivergent person is different, which means every neurodivergent relationship is different. This liberates you from the pressure to conform to neurotypical standards of what a "good" relationship must look like.
Your thriving partnership is not defined by external rules but by mutual, honest accommodation. If you need to live separately to manage sensory load, so be it. If you need separate bedrooms for better sleep regulation, fantastic. If you need to take separate holidays to allow for true restorative downtime, that is a powerful choice. If you require non-speaking days for processing, that is a non-negotiable need.
You do whatever you need to help your relationship thrive, and you build this unique blueprint through open, honest communication and the courage to honour your own authentic wants, needs, and beliefs above all else.
If you are reading this and recognising yourself in this cycle of burnout, please know this: The greatest act of courage in a neurodivergent relationship is not the effort you put into masking. It is the courage to unmask and demand a compassionate, accommodating design.
You are not broken because you need clarity, routine, or quiet. You are powerful because you know exactly what you need to thrive. And a truly loving partner will not require you to set yourself on fire just to keep the shared space warm.
Find the strength to stop running the performance. The work of building an authentic, interdependent partnership starts now.
On that note, I would love to know in what ways are you making sure you don't lose your authentic self within your relationship?
For a limited time only you can get 50% off the 'Neuro-Symmetry Workbook' by sending me a message saying 'workbook' on instagram @jlm.intuitive.coaching
Check it out here...The Neuro-symmetry Workbook: Interdependence Guide for Neurodivergent Couples | Load Balancing & Co-regulation - Etsy UK
Check it out here...The Neuro-symmetry Workbook: Interdependence Guide for Neurodivergent Couples | Load Balancing & Co-regulation - Etsy UK
